I'm older. I'm questionably smarter. I'm not nearly as naive as I used to be, though I still don't get every 'reference' right off the bat.

The title says it all, actually, I'm a much different person than I used to be.

One thing that's caused me to gain a greater understanding of life was going through a heart break.
I'm no longer as clingy as I used to be, and I'm probably not as loyal as I used to be either, I imagine.
I'm not as selfless as I used to be, but expect to get more than I give, whereas I used to be willing to give more than I got. I imagine this comes from giving selflessly to one person you love only to get trashed in the end. I wasn't perfect in the relationship, but I do believe that a lot of my frustration, while my problem, *was* stemming from her unequal and often hypocritical treatment of me. Both our faults, if you want to get down to it, but some of the double standards she set for us were so bad that they can still send a small prickle of anger through me. In reflection, she was probably subconsciously doing these things just for me to resist her and take charge like a man's supposed to, apparently. But I was naive, and caring, and I wasn't aware that I wasn't supposed to be so polite and was supposed to be semi-abusive and take her for granted every once in a while like a guy's supposed to so that the girl will be attracted to him. But I am/was a nice guy, and that never would've occurred to me (in fact, whenever I heard theories like that, I instantly dismissed them as foolish).

But yeah, in case you haven't figured out by now, I'm just reflecting on myself and how my personality has changed drastically over the past year. I spend a lot time in thought, so yeah.

So yeah, I'd be lying if I wasn't both shocked, disappointed, disheartened, and disgusted by the fact that, no matter how much girls and mothers may deny it, girls are only rarely attracted to nice guy behavior.

"Someday [Nate], you're really going to make a beautiful girl really happy."
Pah... I do believe I've heard the equivalent to that statement from at least three-to-four different girls.

This discovery, I must admit, has led me to be something of a sexist. In certain ways, I will always subconsciously have a disgust for many girls who remind me of this (in my views) superficial behavior. I realize guys do this too, but I had always strived when I was younger not to base my opinion of attraction to a girl on her appearance, I tried to give the less-than-hot-but-not-quite-ugly girls consideration as well. I actually did skip over the 'ugly' girls, and, believe it or not, I actually felt bad and superficial for doing this, what I didn't realize was that what I was doing was much better than probably 2/3 of all the population on Earth, I dare say.

I thought through these thoughts many, many times over the last year, coming to roughly the same conclusion everytime:
If I want to have a shot at having a successful relationship, I'm going to need to learn to be a bad guy, but this choice was unacceptable for me, and, as a result, I've chosen to avoid relationships altogether until I've resolved this issue in my mind. While I'm fine most of the time, sometimes, the frustration from this situation builds up, and, as a result, I've become (like I already mentioned) something of a sexist. Though by no means am I a chauvinistic pig or anything, I've spoken to multiple girls about my views on the topic (at various random times), often enough, their typical responses are something of grudging agreement.

At the same time, while there's something of a sexist bad guy inside of me, the innocent trusting side is still there, and is still hoping someone will disprove the logic and break the all-too-typical patterns of psychological behavior... somehow.




Please don't jump to conclusions too quickly from reading this. I won't appreciate a bunch of over-assuming comments about me saying I'm sexist or about girls never liking nice guys.



On a more humorous semi-related side note:
[link]
I thought this was relatively funny.

Oh yeah, it's 4:50 AM right now.